The Torn in Two Diaries
by pantedgieQueen13
Summary: The companion book to Torn in Two! For those of you who have been following ti2, here's the beautiful companion diary, full of love, hate, deception, hunger, blood, and chilidogs. Faint of heart, beware. Rated M for obvious reasons.
1. First Part

_Back from Space_

_About 2:30 PM_

_Got time to write in a notebook, for once. Wow? Back from space! I was happy to see green again. Gray and black were getting old. Eggman isn't here, and Cosmo is…gone. But apart from that, everyone is happy and healthy, if not a little saddened by Cosmo's untimely departure. I feel bad for Tails. He seems to live life robotically, as if there is nothing for him. I miss Shadow, who saved my life and consequently the lives of my friends. I miss him…could this be love?_

_Spring (next day)_

_Noon_

_I'm guessing it's spring, which can't be too far off, although I don't know how late in spring it is, and dare I look at a calendar? The birds' nests have tiny eggs in them, foals and calves run and play in the fields of farmers, and I found that a mother deer had hidden her small fawn near the corner of my steps at home. _

_I was coming back from a run when I saw the telltale white spots. I looked close and saw a baby fawn, not two hours old, curled up near the corner of my steps, still as stone. I had half a mind to feed it, to let it become familiar with me. The mother deer was not far gone in deciding to place her baby at my doorstep. I don't think there are many animals who fear me. But, I decided to leave it be. The fawn saw me, watching with intelligent brown eyes—as intelligent as a deer can get, that is—and I was reminded how much I love baby animals. Guess that means I'm paying a visit to Brigit's! _

_Brigit's Animal Shelter, Next Day_

_9:00 AM_

_It's a bit early for me to be out, but I couldn't stay away. A new litter of kittens was found in a box outside of the animal shelter, and of course, being the hero I am, I couldn't let the cold wind hurt them. I fiddled with the lock and took them inside. Am in the process of looking them over now. Besides a tinge of malnourishment and a few fleas on some, they seem okay. After they get a flea bath and vaccinations, I'd give them a clean bill of health. There are six of them, all of various colors and sizes. I have to wonder if they're from the same litter. Here they are:_

_Orange tom with white belly and paws; green eyes_

_Black cat; gold eyes_

_White tom with black "eye patch"; orange eyes_

_White cat with gray "eye patch"; blue eyes_

_Black tom with gray paws and speckled paw pads; orange eyes_

"_Tiger tabby" cat; green eyes_

_They're so cute! I wish you could see them! The white tom and cat seem to get along well, and are kinda solitary. The rest of the kittens play a lot more, but the two whites ones play only with each other, which I guess may mean they're from a different litter. All seem friendly enough with one another, and don't fear outside contact. I'll have to think up names for them! Hmmm…_

_My House, Next Day_

_Early_

_Oh my gosh! I just found out that Cream told Amy that she loved her! And I mean in the, uh, lesbian way. Amy just told me—she's so excited, too. I guess she got over ME real quick! She says she's going to wait until Cream gets a little older before she really makes the decision to be her girlfriend, and I can understand that. But with Amy's impatient ways, I don't know how long that will last! Amy's a good girl, though, so I have faith in her. _

_Later:_

_I can't believe this! Knuckles just confessed that he loves me! I mean, what is up with this? I guess it really MUST be spring! I was, I am, flattered by this, but…I don't think I really love him. I'm stalling as much as possible, but Knux isn't going to wait forever. This may be my chance to get—what is it the bloggers say?—lemony, is that it? This may be my chance to get WITH someone, I mean…I can't be sure if Shadow loves me, or even if I love him. His butt's so cute!_

_Oh, uh…boner. Yeah, I love Shads. Urrgh! Love is frustrating! WHAT DO I DO?_

_May_

_Who cares about time?_

_Figure it's been a month or so since I last wrote. Guess it's May if it's getting warmer! I dunno…I'm packing up my stuff. Knux and I are moving into another property that I own farther away from town. Knux says he wants his privacy, and I don't really care about it. All I can say is…I sure hope he's not as violent in bed as he is when he spars!_

_Middle of May, maybe around the 14__th__?_

_12:00 AM_

_Why am I even up this early, you ask? This isn't my earliest morning, really, but I've got more great news: Cosmo isn't dead! Apparently, she was encased in a seed pod that protected her, even when she went into final phase, or whatever that was, and was just knocked out. When she woke up in her pod, she followed our smoke trails, or whatever she said they were, home! So now she and Tails are moved in together—there's no need to confess THEIR love—it's obvious. Cosmo's okay with me and Knux and Amy and Cream being gay, she wishes us all luck. Although, I guess plant girls can read hearts. She looked at me funny when I told her I was going with Knux…_

"_Shadow is still out there, you know."_

_I know, but I just can't be sure. I can't be sure of anything anymore. Cosmo escaping death is enough, because it makes Tails happy. Woo hoo._

_Exhausted. I'm going back to bed before Knux gets home. He's celebrating at a bar on Angel Island. Hope he doesn't barf on the carpet again. We're out of cleaning supplies._

_Late May_

_10:00 PM_

_My gods! My tailbone hurts like HELLLL! If this is love, it sucks. OOoh, ah, Knux IS about as violent in bed as he is sparring. Why did he feel the need to tug on my back quills and penis until they're about ready to come off? I mean…ow. _

_Wonder if Shads is this rough? Maybe he won't try to circumcise me with his teeth…yow!_

_What does a grape-eater need teeth like that for, anyway?_

_End of May_

_Fuck time._

_Siiiiiccckkk. Knux gave me some alcoholic thing last night, and I can't stop throwing up. I told him a thousand times that, first off, I'm underage and can't drink (he is, too, but with his older friends, I gather that doesn't matter), and second of all, I can't take hard liquor. It…messes me up._

_Ilk. This page will stink with vomit. Do me a favor and spray this with cologne or something._

_**Sonic's Commentary**_

_Ew, that page really DOES stink like vomit! _

_I need a tissue…these pages are heart-wrenching. I forgot about those kittens! Wonder how they're doing?_

_**Shadow's Comments**_

…

_Ew. Sick._


	2. Second Part

_June 15_

_Oh, happy day! Shadow came back! I have no idea why, or how, but Shadow's back! I'm almost seventeen years old! Woo hoo! I wonder if Shads will come to my birthday party! Wonder if I'm having one? Maybe I can tell Shadow I love him and break up with Knuckles. He's been getting awful rough lately…_

_9:15 PM_

_I can barely lift my hand to write. I can barely grip my pen. But I have to say it here first. Knuckles found out Shadow was back, and…he hit me. A lot. Like we were sparring, but he didn't hold back. I tried to fight him, but the more I fought back, the harder he hit. He almost broke my arm, so eventually I just gave up. I shouted at him for a little while, then he apologized and we went to bed. _

_Didn't have much of an appetite, so I went to bed without supper. I'm falling asleep as I write…good night._

_June 23__rd_

_8:30 AM_

_My birthday! Yay! Ungh, enthusiasm seems stunted in me today. So I'm seventeen, so what? It's almost been a year—or maybe it has?—since Knux made me his beau. I guess that was a mistake, but whatever. I haven't been eating much, so I pigged out more than usual at my party. Almost the whole cake, and countless chilidogs. After all that, I still don't feel full. Knuckles locked me in a closet for the night "so I don't think about seeing Shadow" and went out drinking. _

_Tomorrow, I'm breaking up with him. Tomorrow, I'm going to find Shadow._

_July 1__st_

_I've been stuck in the closet since my birthday. Woo, woo. I haven't been allowed to go out. I've been peeing in a bottle, which is starting to smell, although I'm so dehydrated, I don't think I can pee anymore. It really smells disgusting in here. I smell, too, so that makes it worse. Can't sleep, because apparently I snore, and Knuckles shouts at me and beats on the door saying "be quiet." I'm afraid he'll hit me, so I shut up and stay quiet. I can barely raise my hand anymore, and I'm starting to feel the bones in my arms._

_Dust particle count: 3,349_

_Finger count: ten_

_Toe count: shoe._

_July…something_

_Night_

_Must be niiiggghtt, must be niiiggghhhtt. That's meant to be sung, you know. "It must be night, cause the morning cock hasn't crown. Must be night because I'm hearing moans. My drunken boyfriend vomits asleep. Must be night, must be night. I'm all alone." Getting hungry. Maybe my stomach will growl so loudly that he'll come banging on the door, ha ha, ha ha. _

_I'm going insane._

_Dust particle count: Millions_

_Finger count: fist_

_Toe count: shoes._

_August_

_Dawn_

_Must be August, cause the AC is brutal. I'd kill for a sweater. A nice, warm sweater. I'd even kill for a bath…I'm getting really stinky._

_My stomach growls are actually loud enough to warrant drunken shouting. I think I'm hearing voices, because there seems to be more people in our tiny little house._

_I'm so tired…all I wanna do is sleep._

_Dreaming of strawberries. Do not disturb._

_25__th__ August_

_Noon_

_There's no one in the house but Knuckles and me. He opened my closet door for the first time in so long. I'm blinded by light. He threw me in ice water to wash me off…I'm still shaking from the cold. My teeth are chattering in my head, messing up my thought process. Heh…train of thought. Where is my train of thought?_

_I think my conductor went on a lunch break._

_I'm cooking now, but not for me. Actually, I'm standing here, shivering, writing in my journal because Knux is asleep. He won't wake up until he smells the sausage and baked beans. He says I can have some later. I've already snuck a few dried beans from the bottom of the can, but it's not enough. _

_My legs are trembling, but it's from the ice bath. I think my fur is turning to ice. The steam is melting the ice on my eyebrows. The light's still too bright._

_Ow. I burned my hand. Actually, it almost feels good. I'm going to stick both hands into the flame and watch my fur burn away._

_Night_

_Finally, I'm allowed to sleep. Knux says there'll be food aplenty for me if I get a good enough rest to perform for him tonight. I can't wait!_

_Later_

_Hollow promise. What hell am I in? Knux saved no food for me, and he banged me until I came. The cum burned when it came out, but I suppose that's malnutrition and I'll get used to it._

_So sick. I just wanna go home._

_Morning_

_I went for a run. Took my mind off my stomach a bit. Boy, did the rain of the early morning feel good._

_August 29__th_

_Nothing remarkable today. Knux got drunk again and threw me into a wall. At least he didn't hit me with a club._

_August 30__th_

_Knuckles sprayed me with cold water and threw ice at me. He laughed at my pathetic wincing. It says it builds character. I say it builds colds._

_August 31_

_Sneezing my brains out. Fuck my life._

_September 2__nd_

_Still sneezing my brains out. Knuckles isn't letting me drink anything but water. The water tastes like pee._

_September 4__th_

_The water he gives me is from the toilet. At least it's before he throws up in it._

_Fuck my life._

_September 10__th_

_Knuckles threw up on my head. It's disgusting. Some of the vomit got in my eyes. _

_Knuckles let me take a warm shower. He says if I go on top tonight and do well, he'll feed me._

_I don't have much hope._

_Later_

_He locked me in the basement. Woo, woo. Guess I didn't do good enough._

_September 11__th_

_I think there's a spider down here. I'm gonna catch it._

_September 12__th_

_Lunchtime_

_I hunted the spider. I remembered stuff I saw on the nature channel and followed their advice, to a tee. Apparently, you're not supposed to narrate for yourself, but oh well._

_The spider was a little bigger than my palm. He gave me a nasty bite on my forarm. The blood's dripping onto the page as I write. I'll lick it away later._

_If you're wondering why I said the spider 'was,' well…you'd only have to look at me._

_Spiders, I think, taste a lot better with ketchup._

_**Sonic's Commentary**_

_Spiders DO taste better with ketchup!_

_That was my first time locked in the basement…it was scary down there!_

_**Shadow's Commentary**_

_Sonic can still be funny, even the way he was. Knuckles can be so cruel. Sonic is lucky I rescued him._


	3. Third Part

_September 18_

_Well, she's not bleeding on the ballroom floor_

_Just for the attention_

_Cause that's just ridiculous...ly odd._

_Well, she sure is going to get it_

_Here's the setting_

_Fashion magazines line the walls now_

_The walls line the bullet holes_

_Have some composure_

_And where is your posture?_

_Oh, no, no!_

_You're pulling the trigger_

_Pulling the trigger_

_All wrong_

_Have some composure_

_And where is your posture?_

_Oh, no, no!_

_You're pulling the trigger_

_Pulling the trigger_

_All wrong_

_Give me envy, give me malice, give me your attention_

_Give me envy, give me malice, baby, give me a break!_

_When I say "Shotgun", you say "Wedding"_

_"Shotgun", "Wedding", "Shotgun", "Wedding"_

_She didn't choose this role_

_But she'll play it and make it sincere_

_So you cry, you cry_

_(Give me a break)_

_But they believe it from the tears_

_And the teeth right down to the blood_

_At her feet_

_Boys will be boys_

_Hiding in estrogen and wearing Aubergine dreams_

_(Give me a break)_

_Have some composure_

_And where is your posture?_

_Oh, no, no!_

_You're pulling the trigger_

_Pulling the trigger_

_All wrong_

_Have some composure_

_And where is your posture?_

_Oh, no, no!_

_You're pulling the trigger_

_Pulling the trigger_

_All wrong_

_Come on this is screaming "Photo op." op..._

_Come on_

_Come on_

_This is screaming_

_This is screaming_

_This is screaming "Photo op."_

_Boys will be boys, baby_

_Boys will be boys_

_Boys will be boys, baby_

_Boys will be boys_

_Give me envy, give me malice, give me your attention_

_Give me envy, give me malice, baby, give me a break!_

_When I say "Shotgun", you say "Wedding"_

_"Shotgun", "Wedding", "Shotgun", "Wedding"_

_Boys will be boys_

_Hiding in estrogen and boys will be boys_

_Boys will be boys_

_Hiding in estrogen and wearing Aubergine dreams._

_I wish you could hear this song. The beat is rockin._

_September 20_

_I think I'll give you a name. But I can't think, so I don't know what to call you. How about 'Panic?' Maybe that's what makes me write in you._

_September 21_

_Haven't had a chilidog since my birthday. I miss them! Think I'll draw a few. They should be fat and juicy, not sticks._

_Not like me. Not like me at all._

_September 22_

_I drew a doodle of what I might look like. Hee hee. _

_September 23_

_The doodle I drew scares me. I think I did the eyes too well. I stared in the bathroom mirror for hours trying to capture them. Maybe I was looking at Bloody Mary instead._

_September 24_

_I'm scared to go in the bathroom with only a candle. Gods help me._

_September 25_

_Storm. Wonder if it will make the power go out._

_Later_

_Power's out. I don't feel well, cause now I can't see Knuckles. I don't want to go in the bathroom with a flashlight, and Knux is making me. I can feel his hands digging into my arms. He says he just wants to watch us kissing in the mirror so he could see if he wanted to tape it, or something, so he can get hard. All I wanna do is eat popcorn, but Knux says I'm getting too fat._

_How can I be getting fat? I've barely eaten anything since my birthday._

_September 29_

_Whatever life brings_

_I've been through everything_

_And now I'm on my knees again_

_But I know I must go on_

_Although I hurt I must be strong_

_Because inside I know that many feel this way._

_September 30_

_This is it. I feel like this is the end. I'm doing really bad now, and, oh, I don't want to complain! So I won't. Not even to you._

_Maybe I'll call you 'Rant.' Think I've been on a couple since I started writing in you._

_Later_

_I just realized…these pages are as good as your face. Does it make you sad to know that I'm writing on your face? It makes me sad that I might have to see you die from ink poisoning, the words, "I'm not okay" written on your face._

_October 1_

_Hello, fall. I'm so exhausted, my stomach is growling like a thunderstorm, and I haven't felt the need to brush my hair. Raking the leaves, but even such a simple task is draining me fast. I wanna jump in them, watch them fly away like little birds._

_Why can't I be a bird?_

_October 2_

_Knuckles prepared a feast, just for me! He made a fast food pizza with fries and burgers, and…oh! I dunno how he did it, but I'm so happy that he did! He says he's sorry, and he's thinking about letting me say hi to Shadow!_

_October 3_

_Eating cookies and milk. I think I love Shadow! I'm so happy! I'm going to tell Knuckles I don't want to be with him anymore! _

…

_Maybe he'll be mad…?_

_I can tell him tomorrow…can't I?_

_Is it wrong for someone to hate you for breaking up with them?_

_October 4_

_I told him. But I almost got my head knocked in. Knuckles punched my skull with his shovel claws and threatened to make me drink alcohol. I locked myself in the bedroom, but he broke down the door and threw me against the wall. Then, he made a wet spot on my skin and put a metal prong on it. Now I have a burn mark on my wrist. It's black and still smoking. _

_Knuckles is sleeping now, but…I'm so scared._

_I'm going to run away! And Knuckles can't stop me!_

_October 7_

_Sorry I haven't written, but I've been preparing for my escape. Knuckles went to Angel Island for the weekend, so now's my chance!_

_Later_

_I just ran for half and hour. My heart's beating unnaturally fast and I feel so dizzy. Sorry that my words are all over the place. I can't see the page very well. I think I'll just crawl up and sleep._

_October something_

_It's raining, it's pouring, and I'm gonna get a cold…seeking shelter beneath an oak tree, eating acorns. They're not enough to make me feel my stomach again._

_Late fall_

_Knuckles tracked me down, but he's being all sweet. He brought me a box of chocolates if I'd come back with him. I want to see Shadow. I need to tell him how I feel, even if I can't leave Knuckles right now._

_Knuckles will get over this. He may be gullible, but he isn't stupid. He won't force me to stay…will he?_

_December 1_

_I found out where Shadow works from Amy, because she's a secretary there. I told Knux I was going to see her and met up with Shadow. We had lunch in a café. I got a half-moon cookie. It tasted really good._

_I dunno the last time I had one of those…or a semi-decent meal._

_Still didn't tell Shadow how I feel. I will, though. I swear._

_**Sonic's Commentary**_

Oh, Shadow! Do I tell you enough how much I love you? I'm going to tell you three times every day. I love you, I love you, I love you! I'll go start right now.

_**Shadow's Commentary**_

I'm going to kill that echidna.


	4. Fourth Part

_December 4_

_I stopped caring about what Knuckles does to me. Is that bad?_

_December 6_

" '_The things you're looking for, Montag, are in the world, but the only way the average chap will ever see ninety-nine percent of them is in a book. Don't ask for guarantees. And don't looked to be saved by any __**one**__ thing, person, machine, or library. Do your own bit of saving, and if you drown, at least die knowing you were heading for shore.' "_

_-__Fahrenheit 451__, Ray Bradbury_

_I love this quote! And, yes, I actually have time to read now._

_December 10_

_Knuckles took an electric razor and shaved my arms. I haven't seen my skin in a while, so I was surprised at the grayish-pink coloring of it. Then, he took a black sharpie and wrote the words "useless" and "stupid" wherever he could fit them. I'm washing the words off with soap at the sink as I write, scrubbing at them with the side of the soap that has the brand name written on it (it's a brand new bar) so that it'll come off faster. The black sharpie is starting to blend into my veins. _

_I'm scared. _

_What if that means I'm really useless and stupid?_

_What if that means surviving is for naught?_

_December 11_

_When I think of Knuckles nowadays, I think that he is the master and I am the servant. No. I am below a servant. I serve, but I am not a servant. I am treated worse than the master's dog. I am the slave. I must watch the good life pass me by, while serving the good life to my master, and I must not want it, I must not taste it, I must not feel it. Only when I am part of the master's pleasure do I feel it unfeelingly, and I submit without question. I am the slave that is below the servant, overworked and underpaid and never complaining, who eats less than the dog, whose philosophy matters not without his master, whose life is worthless except to please his master. When I do good, I am left alone and not hurt, but when I am bad, I must be punished, and I must accept the punishment without tears or cries of pain. I must take it. Because that is what a slave does._

"_I am madness maddened…" –Ray Bradbury_

_December 12_

_I am indifferent to the pain of his beatings, the smell of his breath when he breathes on my face. Sometimes, I get drunk myself so that I won't feel his blows._

_I'm so sad, but I cannot do anything. Perhaps I am sad because I am powerless._

_Or, perhaps, I am powerless because I am sad._

_December 13_

_I have lived a good life, so there is no need to go on living. Someday, I will kill my pride and my spirit that is Sonic, and I will become a husk. A husk that will not hurt because I cannot defend myself against him, a husk that will not be forced to drink high proof and vomit blood from his stomach, a husk that will not care if his life is over, because his life was over the day he accepted Knuckles as a partner._

_A husk that will not hurt because he lost his virginity to someone he doesn't even love._

_Tears stain this page like my guilt, and blood runs down my back. What have I done? What have I done?_

_**Sonic's Commentary**_

Can I burn these pages? Please? Where's the incinerator?

_**Shadow's Commentary**_

If only I could've helped you, Sonic. I would've done anything to stop those thoughts you had. I wish tears didn't stain the page. Oh, Sonic, you don't deserve to cry!


	5. Fifth Part

_December 14_

_Knuckles had a mini-bar installed in the living room. I'm an underage drinker now, when the proof isn't too high. I'm breaking the law. Me! Breaking the law! Insanity! Well, it isn't as if my life isn't insanity anyway, so why not?_

_Someday, I'll wake up and find out this was all just a dream._

_December 15_

_I miss Eggman. At least I could beat him back._

_December 16_

_I'm going to run away again. The weather is hell, so I know tropical Knuckles won't follow me. He's mad cause he can't go out to bars because of the weather, but at least that means my pain can heal. He's giving me food, at least, so maybe I won't be so cold in an 86 degree house._

_December 17_

_I want Knuckles to get drunk, so I'm putting extra alcohol in his drink. This may seem like I'm asking for it, but his drink will sedate him so I can get away. I didn't pack anything this time._

_Maybe I'll freeze to death out there. Oh well. The ice and snow can't be any crueler than Knuckles._

_Later…_

_I'm running away! There's new bruises on my neck and side, but I'm free at last! How good it feels to run! My legs are aching and my feet burn, but I'm so happy to be alive! What a blessing!_

_December 18 __**(Sonic's Note: This entry has been translated from its original form, which was a bunch of gobledy-gook. Enjoy!)**_

_It's cold, and I can barely see two feet in front of my face. The snow is blinding and white, and it's getting in my eyes like ashes. And it hurts. Why? Why is everything hurting me? Is this some kind of "make Sonic miserable" joke? I don't appreciate it. Any of it._

_December 20_

_After surviving a night and day of frigid, freezing cold, I almost feel like I'm safer and warmer at home with Knuckles. I know I'm near where Tails and Cosmo are living, but I feel awful going to them. It makes me feel dependent._

_That, and I've lost a bit of weight since I last saw them. How awkward would it be for them to see a skeleton in their living room!_

_December 21_

_I just realized that it's almost Christmas, and I haven't thought about gifts for my friends. I'm so depressed. I want to cry. I can't go to Tails and Cosmo without bringing them something! How do I face Amy, Cream, Vanilla? Shadow? Who would shower me with gifts in a minute? I guess I'll go home and face whatever wrath is waiting for me. Then I'll get what I really deserve, instead of the kind-without-but-hurt-within looks of my dear friends' faces when they find out I couldn't get them gifts this year. ARRRGGHHH! Out, damn spot! Out, I say!_

_December 23_

_I found money! Yay! I actually have money in my bank account! The first thing I did was buy a warm pea-coat. Mmmm…it's something I really don't deserve, but I get a lot of that nowadays. Now I can buy gifts for my friends! I don't have to feel like a dirty little bug anymore! Oh, what a relief to find out the things Knuckles says about me aren't true!_

**Sonic's Commentary**

Wait, what? Why is this written here! No, no one is going to see this! Not even Shadow!

**Shadow's Commentary**

I hate to break it to you, young one, but I have seen. And I am saddened by it. Sonic, why did you think yourself dirty when you knew your friends would forgive you? Why do you see things that way?

**Sonic's Response to Shadow**

…It was the way Knuckles made me feel when I was with him. I wasn't worth something to anybody if I didn't give them something, whether it was sex or gifts. And…I still kinda feel that way. Like…if I wasn't a hero, my life wouldn't mean anything. What would my identity be, if I didn't stand up against evil? If there wasn't any evil to stand against? Then I'd be a freak. That's something Knuckles never called me. A freak.


End file.
